If Naruto Were A Jane Austen Story
by I am the Cake Fairy
Summary: [shounenai][shoujuai][het][mpreg?][crack] Love, lies, cheating, and more.  If Naruto were a story by Jane Austen, it would be even more confusing than normal.


Shino, the quiet son of the wealthy landowners Lee and Hinata, was infamous, sadly, for leading on possible suitors. Love was all just a game for him. Three times it had happened, with Gai, Baki, and, surprisingly, Zabuza, who was known to be levelheaded in situations of the heart. After the "tragic" breakup with Shino, Zabuza had found comfort in the arms of Gai, which was a shock to the community, due to the fact that since childhood, Gai and Zabuza had competed for the affections of Shino.

Shino had began his game when Lee was caught cheating on Hinata with Haku, throwing Hinata into a deep depression. Being convinced that "love" was just a phase, Shino spent most of his time shamelessly flirting.

Sasuke was the ex-husband of Baki's youngest brother, Kankuro's best friend Gaara, who had left Sasuke for the local baker, Itachi. Long before the divorce, Sasuke had known that the marriage was a lie. Sadly, he did not realize this until he had a son with Gaara. Gaara declared he wanted nothing to do with the child, so it was left in the care of Sasuke. Hana, Sasuke's mother, helped with the upbringing of the baby. Sasuke earned a living by working in the local flower shop.

One day on an errand to get fresh daisies for the dining room table before his Uncle Kiba arrived, Shino wandered into the same flower shop Sasuke worked at. Blatantly flirting in his usual quiet manner, Shino began his game once more. However, this new round would end differently than the others.

On this same day, Asuma, Baki's older brother, was returning from a neighboring country. While safely tucked away in the carriage, TenTen, the driver, failed to notice Kiba, who was crossing the street. Once she did notice, she tried in vain to reign in the horses, all the while shouting at Kiba desperately for him to move. At the last moment, Kiba jumped out of the way, spraining his ankle in the landing.

TenTen immediately stopped the carriage, and Asuma hopped out to see what all the fuss was about. When his eyes fell on the handsome young man on the ground clutching his ankle in pain, he felt fireworks go off in his heart. He immediately offered Kiba a ride to his relatives' house.

By the time Asuma's carriage arrived at Shino's house, he had already returned from the flower shop. Greeting Asuma as politely as one can to their ex-lover's older brother, he excused Asuma and helped Kiba to his room.

While Asuma helped Kiba into the house, TenTen had disappeared into the stable and began feverently kissing Shikamaru, the stablehand. From the shadows, Shikamaru's cousin Iruka watched quietly before turning and leaving. He had known of his cousin's relationship with TenTen ever since they had begun secretly meeting in the hayloft a couple months ago. Iruka tried to convince Shikamaru that his relationship with TenTen would not work out, but he would not listen to Iruka's reasoning.

Not long after the incident between Asuma and Kiba involving the carriage, TenTen had been caught drunkenly harassing Baki, her employer's second oldest child. Needless to say, he was simultaneously sacked and dumped.

Around that time, Kankuro had been married off to Sai, one of the richest men in the country. His family had been both immensely surprised with Kankuro and happy for him. Asuma had also begun to woo Kiba, whose family was more than happy to get him off their hands; Kiba could be more than exasperating when sexually frustrated. Baki and Hanabi, the third oldest in the family, began to become both increasingly hopeless and desperate to find a spouse, letting the fact that their youngest brother had been married off before them get them down.

Caught up in the comings and goings of relationships, Shino was still in the mind of believing loving being a phase. Forever watching life from the sidelines, Sasuke found himself becoming rather infatuated with Shino. However, Sasuke knew much of Shino's reputation, dampening whatever small chance he might have had.

Orochimaru, the young owner of the flower shop, often found Hanabi staring at him. Flattered, he would gently flirt with the young woman every time she entered the shop, which was often.

A couple months later, a wealthy businessman moved into the house next to Hinata and Shino's, along with his husband, Hiashi, and their two children, Neji and Temari. Naruto had gotten rich off of patenting a new type of horseshoe. Immediately after unpacking, Temari, the youngest of the two, wandered off to their new neighbor's pasture, where she met Iruka.

They fell in love, and were engaged soon thereafter.

They were the scandal of the small town, but Naruto and Hiashi were far too open-minded to let something as petty as class get in the way of love.

By then, TenTen was all but forgotten, except for a woman in the next country over, who had become her lover. TenTen and Tsunade were a very happy couple.

Shikamaru had, soon after the firing of TenTen, run away, much to the grief and heartache of his cousin.

As more and more of his friend began finding "true love," regardless of class or gender, Shino began to unconsciously doubt his theory.

Sasuke continued to watch the town's going ons from behind the counter of the flower shop.

Hana found companionship in a cheerful middle-aged man named Kakashi. Sasuke approved of course.

Not a week after the marriage of Iruka and Temari, Iruka received a letter from Shikamaru, which affirmed his safety, and informed him that he found love in Ino, a shepherdess. Iruka was in tears by the end of the letter, but they were of joy.

Neji was often found walking down the street, chatting amiably with Baki, who was happy to have someone to talk to who appeared to see eye to eye with him. Rumors about them spread like wildfire; few were denied.

Chouji, the residential crazy man of the small town, often went for tea at Hinata's, and would often reminisce with her about Kurenai, his deceased wife. Kurenai had been an amiable senile old fool, who everybody loved and was terribly mourned after her death.

One day during piano lessons with Sakura, Shino began seriously doubting his since-then faithful theory after being reprimanded for losing focus while thinking about the shy man at the flower shop.

Orochimaru and Hanabi had a triple wedding with Neji and Baki, and Asuma and Kiba.

After the wedding, Shino cornered Sasuke and politely asked if she would like to talk and hang out later.

Sasuke was ecstatic.

By the time Deidara's second birthday rolled around, he had two happily married parents: Shino and Sasuke.

Tobi, the priest, was often heard grumbling that year due to the sheet absurdity of the amount of weddings being performed. All in earshot would merely laugh at him._  
_

* * *

_Don't ask. Just don't._

_The author-ess was forced to watch Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility, and this is the result._

_The author first wrote down the soap opera, writing down numbers instead of names. _(1) had begun (his/her) game when (2) was caught cheating on (3) with (7), throwing (3) into a deep depression. _Like that. Then she wrote 32 names down on a sheet of paper, cut the names into strips, and put the strips into a hat, and drew out the names. Therefore explaining the lack of good pairings._

_Cast:  
1-Shino  
2-Lee  
3-Hinata  
4-Gai  
5-Baki  
6-Zabuza  
7-Haku  
8-Sasuke  
9-Kankura  
10-Gaarai  
11-Itachi  
12-Hana  
13-Kiba  
14-Asuma  
15-TenTen  
16-Shikamaru  
17-Iruka  
18-Sai  
19-Hanabi  
20-Orochimaru  
21-Hiashi  
22-Neji  
23-Temari  
24-Naruto  
25-Tsunade  
26-Kakashi  
27-Ino  
28-Chouji  
29-Kurenai  
30-Sakura  
31-Deidara  
32-Tobi_

_And for those of you who, like the author-ess, completely loss track of the permanent pairings, here they are:  
(1/8) (Shino/Sasuke)  
(2/7)(Lee/Haku)  
(4/6)(Gai/Zabuza)  
(5/22)(Baki/Neji)  
(9/18)(Kankuro/Sai)  
(10/11)(Gaara/Itachi)  
(12/26)(Hana/Kakashi)  
(13/14)(Kiba/Asuma)  
(15/25)(TenTen/Tsunade)  
(16/27)(Shikamaru/Ino)  
(17/23)(Iruka/Temari)  
(19/20)(Hanabi/Orochimaru)  
(21/24)(Hiashi/Naruto)  
(28/29)(Chouji/Kurenai)_

_Is it just the author-ess, or is this absurdly idiotic to everyone?_


End file.
